BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
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Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad