wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
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Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.