Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
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Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Yes my dude
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Oceanography is all about current events
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*