we did it you guys we saved daylight
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*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you