cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
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her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!