Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?