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[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.