ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
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The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Never let them know your next move 😂