[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
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Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.