My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
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The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]