Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
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Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
He-man has a Masters degree
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available