[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
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Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Ah..makes sense now
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.