If only.
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Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
If only
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?