Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
You Might Also Like
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery