all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
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Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
blocked.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
you gotta be faster
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?