What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
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Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin