My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”