[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
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Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…