“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
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Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Have kids, they said
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!