Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
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greetings!
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”