Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
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ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?