Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
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If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection