I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
You Might Also Like
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Smooooooth
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions