9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
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Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Google Pay be like:
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary: