My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
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Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face