EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
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A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok