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Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
repaired
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship