what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
You Might Also Like
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
who will stop them
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what