It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
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Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”