My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
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Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I have questions??
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset