There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
You Might Also Like
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.