Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
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The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy