Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
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Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.