Always 🥴
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If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
much to think about
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?