In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
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“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
The Weeknd is back
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?