told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
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Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
What is going on? 😅
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..