Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
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Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Me too
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”