[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
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Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum