Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
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How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Isn’t
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
That’s easy for you to say
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.