I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
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Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.