Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
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It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.