Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
You Might Also Like
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*