“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
You Might Also Like
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.