Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
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wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩