You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
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*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Spider-cat: No One Home
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,