I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
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Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.