Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
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[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️