I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
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me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
How your email finds me
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!