Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
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Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial