They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
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Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I am also baked goods
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”